I think it's probably fair to say that a good number of women initially consider altering or ending their marriage after learning of their husband's affair. Because it's a knee-jerk reaction that doesn't consider Eharmony.com Reviews the long-term reality. Your mind figures that A plus B should equal C. In other words, cheating plus marriage should equal divorce.
But your mind is not your heart.
And your marriage is not an equation. There are people involved. There will be
real consequences to your decision. If you have children, your decision will
affect their lives greatly. It may even affect how they run their own
households or their own marriages as adults. So, as much as some of us might
like to just throw our marriages away without a second thought, we can't always
do that.
And this realization can make you
feel a little resentful and helpless. You can feel as if you are
"stuck" in a horrible marriage and a dreadful life. A wife might say:
"when I admit reality to myself, I see that I have no choice but to stay
in my marriage. My husband cheated on me. Eharmony He says
that he is sorry. He says that we can get through this. I am not sure that I
want to get through it, but I also do not have a real choice. I could never be
the one who chooses to break up my children's family. And frankly, when I had
children, we made the decision that I would stay home. I know that I could work
again if I had to, but I would not make the kind of money needed to maintain a
decent lifestyle. So being on my own would be a disaster in so many ways. So I
am stuck in this marriage with a man who cheated on me. What now?"
I understand your frustration. You
feel as if you don't have any control and you're left to just live in
unfortunate circumstances which may not change. I'm certainly not a therapist, but
I do know that in my own case, one of the first things that made me feel better
was to take back a sense of control. It gives you purpose. It gives you your
self respect back. And you no longer feel as if you're just sort of blowing in
the wind.
Taking Back A Sense Of Control With
A Plan: One way to take back to control is to have a plan. I know that you are
angry with Eharmony.com your
husband and you are justified in this anger. But ask yourself what you might
want five years from now, when that anger has faded. If you are going to be
married (and we can assume so as that is the decision you have made,) then do
you really want to be married and unhappy?
You may feel that this is out of your
control, but that's not entirely accurate. You can't control what you husband
does, but you can choose your own behaviors. You can decide if you want to get
help and do everything in your power to heal your marriage. As you've indicated
that your husband is remorseful, it seems likely that he would be willing to
cooperate in this regard.
You don't want to feel like a
victim. And you will feel less like a victim if you pursue healing so that
hopefully and eventually, you feel content in your marriage and can actively
choose to stay in it. Counseling is one way to do this. Self help is another. I
would suggest not just doing nothing and continuing to be angry but stuck.
Getting What You Truly Deserve:
Trying to move forward and wanting to heal does not mean that the anger
magically goes away, but it does mean that you now have a constructive outlet
for that anger. A good counselor or good self help program can help you direct
that anger toward change.You deserve more than feeling like you are serving a life
sentence for infidelity that wasn't yours. Quite honestly, I think that living
in a miserable marriage is even worse than dealing with infidelity. Because
with the right tools, the pain of infidelity can wane or end, but living in a
miserable marriage goes on and on.
If you are committed to staying in
your marriage, it makes sense to try to heal it. Because it's not fair to
anyone to just accept that you're going to just be treading water, not really
happy or engaged and just sort of there.
Every one deserves more than this,
including you. Why not at least attempt to make it as good as you possibly can?
If you want to spell this out for you husband, you might try something like:
"we both know that, at least for now, I'm staying in the marriage because it
is best for everyone. But that doesn't mean that I'm happy right now. I do not
want to live my life in a miserable, struggling marriage. It is not good for
our kids and it is not good for us. I would like to find something to help us.
I'm going to educate myself on the best way to do this. And I want your
commitment that you will participate in whatever I decide. I do not want to be
unhappy and resentful and I don't think that you want that either. Will you
commit to helping me work through this?"
Most men will say yes to this
because they don't want for any of you to be unhappy. And they likely feel very
guilty because deep down, they know that all of this unhappiness is because of
them.
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