It is very common for a husband who has just been caught in an affair to get somewhat flustered. He's often overcome and somewhat overwhelmed with many emotions all at once. Sometimes, this comes triptogether.com on top of struggles that lead him to have the affair in the first place. As a result, it's sometimes very obvious that he's really struggling in a way that he never has before. He may appear to be a man that you don't even recognize.
How the wife reacts to this will
differ. Some wives are understandably so angry at him that she figures that
this is a problem of his own creation and he can deal with it on his own. Other
wives can't help but feel some compassion. Because they know their husband
better than anyone else. And they can look at him and know that he is not
himself and that something major is happening with him. As such, some of these
wives want to know how they can help their husband. Some don't know what is
going to happen with their marriage, but they want to help him just the same
because he is the father of their children or because they don't want to see
anyone struggle.
A wife might say: "I know that
my husband is having a hard time of it. I have never seen him this way. This
all started when he lost his job. The man who used to be confident and had a
happy outlook was sullen and damaged. He withdrew. I hoped that things would
get better once he got another job. But it actually got worse. Because the new triptogether job was
way beneath his level of skill. But he took it anyway because we needed the
money. After he'd been at this job for a while, he started hanging out with
coworkers. And these are people who he never would have even associated with
before. He started going to bars after work and he hasn't drank in over a
decade. It was obvious that things were going down hill fast. And then, just
when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, I found out he'd been having
an affair with one of these coworkers. Now that he is caught, my husband's
emotions are all over the place. One minute he is remorseful and sad. The next
minute he is defiant and defensive. He says that he doesn't know who he is
anymore and he feels worthless. I don't know how to help him. His feelings
change from day. How do I help him process his feelings so that we can move
on?"
I find it very admirable that
despite the hurt this must have caused you, your thoughts are still with him.
Not every one triptogether.com
Reviews can say that and hopefully, this is something that won't go
unnoticed.
But, having been through this, I'm
of the opinion that wives just are not in the best position to help him process
his feelings. And don't take this in the wrong way. Our intentions are correct.
But it's nearly impossible for us to be objective. And even if we could be
objective, we aren't mental health counselors.
I know that when I would listen to
my own husband try to talk through this process, I would hear nearly every
thing through the veil of what it had to do with me. As much as I might have
wanted to, I could not take myself, my marriage, and my children out of the
equation. It couldn't be all about him when he had everything to do with us.
And I find that wives tend to go
one way or another with this. We will either look for our own fault in it. Or
we will deny having any fault at all. Either way, this isn't objective enough
to help him effectively sort through his issues. Frankly, it may even create
additional issues.
The correct person to help him
uncover his feelings is a professional counselor or close friend or mentor who
can be objective. When it is your marriage at stake, you, as a spouse, can not
be objective because you are right in the middle of it.
This is only my opinion, of course.
But I think that you can offer to listen. I think you can offer to sit and hear
him talk. But it's very hard to separate the other issues from the affair when
you are the one who has been hurt and affected by it. So while I think you can
listen about his job loss and his identity issues, it's going to be hard to
take the affair out of the equation.
I think the most helpful thing to
do would be to offer to listen, but to also strongly encourage him to talk to
an objective, trusted, and knowledgeable third party. If he is resistant to
this, try some self help resources that he can work through at his own pace without
feeling self conscious. I'm sure it's very reassuring for him to know that he
has your support. But you can't necessarily fix this for him. He has to take
the initiative.
When I've seen spouses try to work
through this scenario, often the cheating spouse is guarded and defensive and
the spouse who is trying to help feels rejected and frustrated. And it turns
into one more issue you have to deal with. It's better to give this issue to
someone else. And to offer your support as a spouse and not a mental health
counselor.
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