Dealing with an affair in your marriage is difficult during any time of the year. But it can be particularly difficult during the winter holidays, especially if you have children. This is the time of the year when families are expected to get together and when everyone is expected to be happy triptogether.com and full of cheer. Many people are not comfortable sharing information about their marriage - even to family. And yet, it may be obvious to many that you are not feeling the winter cheer this year. And you can wonder if it's best to just skip at least some celebrations (that include your husband) or to pretend for the sake of your family, despite the affair.
Someone might say: "my
husband's affair is still really fresh. I only found out three weeks ago. I am
still really struggling. Sometimes I feel as if I am every bit as upset as I
was when this first happened. And here we are at Thanksgiving. We always
alternative between going to my parents' at lunch and his parents' at dinner. I
am fine with going to my parents for lunch, but I have no desire to see his
parents. No one else knows about this yet, but even if his parents did know,
they think that their son can do no wrong. I have told my husband that I don't
want to go, but he insists that we will make triptogether it a short
trip and he insists that it will upset our kids to not go. He says that we
don't need to announce that anything has changed and that we can get through
anything for a short period of time for the sake of our kids. He keeps telling
me that he hopes that next year, everything will be back to normal with our
family. Of course he hopes for this - as it lets him off the hook. This is all
so easy for him to say. He is not the one who is so hurt. He is not the one who
has to try to pick up the pieces. I honestly don't know if I can sit through
the dinner with his parents. But I don't want to disrupt my kids' day and I
feel like the winter holidays are an important part of childhood. I love my
kids and I want things to be as normal for them as they can possibly be. Should
I just force myself to go?"
Considerations Worth Thinking
About: I think the answer to this depends on a few things. I think that the
most important to thing to ask yourself is if you think that you can get
through the day and act relatively normally without paying a high price.
Because quite honestly, if you go and are visibly upset and have to explain
your behavior to the kids, then this may be more disruptive to them than if you
just came up with a plausible excuse not to go at all. Not only that, but if
you go and are upset or things triptogether.com
Reviews are awkward and people notice, then there may be more
explaining to do than if you just came down with a headache or the flu and had
to stay home.
If, on the other hand, you feel
that you can just sort of coast through the day without anyone being the wiser,
then that might be doable. It really does depend on your ability to
compartmentalize and carry on when you are deep down upset.
Some couples are able to put on a
happy face when things aren't great and others are not. Your situation is a
little more tricky and difficult because it is still so fresh. I don't think it
would be a crime to send the kids off with their dad and claim to have a
headache if you truly don't think you want to do this or feel that you just
can't do it. The kids still get to enjoy the holiday with extended family and
no one needs to know that anything is amiss. People miss holidays due to
illness or emergencies all of the time. And if you truly can't or don't want to
do it, then it's better to bow out than to have an unfortunate, awkward
experience during the holidays.
If you think you can swing it and
just want to get it over with, then that's valid too. But I think that you have
every right to make your own choice and to not be pressured by anyone else's
expectations.
If you choose not to go, you might
try: "I know that you want to just carry on as usual this year, but I
don't feel that I can do that. I'm going to just beg off as not feeling well.
You can take the kids so they won't miss anything. Like you, I hope that things
are back to normal next year, but I am just not able to pretend that everything
is fine when it isn't. It's too fresh this year."
If you decide to stick it out, you
might try: "I'm going to do this for the kids, but I don't want to stay as
long as normal. I want to give myself a break, make an appearance, and then
come home and spend time with the kids. I think that this is a fair compromise,
considering how fresh everything is. I hope that next year is different, but
for this year, I feel like we need to make concessions."
No one can decide which route you
want to take but you, but don't let anyone tell you that either path isn't
valid. You should have the luxury to be guided by your own feelings and wishes.
You aren't trying to keep the kids from family. But you have every right to
consider your own well being as well. Sometimes, we go and we find that it's not
as bad as we had feared. And other times, we just don't have it in us to find
out. Either way is valid.
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